Forever Autumn

late night..no...should be early morning now
...5 mins earlier, i got the news that one of my college classmate got married 2 days ago
a good girl, and we've known each other for 7 years
astonished, don't know what to say...but happy for her
however, felt empty once again...this time, "empty" refers to be mentally

So far, so good...not perfect...but everything to me is heading towards a postive direction. Always look on the bright side of life. I am alive! Cheers!

A fresh new wound really does help to forget the old hurt, but not by healing it. You can never imagine how dramatic your life could be. You can never expect whether good or bad comes after another. And you will never know what is the exact time your life's gonna end.

"You are really lucky. Many people died here." Yes, I am blessed this time because I was so close to death. But what about the next time? I bursted into tears when I saw this video again for the second time. I can't believe I've been through something like this. I can't imagine what if the driver didn't take his foot off the brake pedal, what if I didn't have the seatbelt on, what if the moonroof of our car was stuck...

Still in shock and still feel scary, even though it's been 2 days since the accident. To all the drivers, do not speed. No one thinks big of you.

As far as i can recall, since that day after i saw the movie "Tokyo Tower - Mom and I and Sometimes Dad", I haven't cried for a second time. But several minutes ago, when i was taking the shower, I suddenly cant resist my tears flowing down my cheek. Since nobody can hear me, with bath water coming from the shower head making a big sound, I cried out loud.

One and a half year ago, I cried for my failure to get a decent offer fulfilling my self-value. Half a year ago, I cried for my nostalgia and concern when i realized my incapablity to take care my parents if something happened. This time, I cried for my loneliness and helplessness when i truely need someone to be right here by my side.

Since I can say it out loud, im not afraid of being mocked at. I concede im a sentimental guy, but i rarely feel that helpless and heartbroken. The first semester after i got here, I survived no matter how hard my life could be. In the last week of that semester, so many annoying things happened in a sudden and I was so unprepared. Because of my shortage of sleep (ten hours in a week), I got sick and laid in bed for a whole week after taking the last exam. Few people know this because i dont think its a big deal and there is nothing to show off. That semester to me is just like a transition from one state to another, but I was ready to suffer before stepping aboard the plane. So instead of complaining, I swallowed all my pain. I could remember I was just so close to wrap up and be back home. But I sucked it all up since i didnt want to be a loser.

Now, once one turned the wheel to the wrong side, which its not supposed to be, even for only a little bit, his life just totally moves towards another direction. Im still not so sure how deep it had affected me. But Ive been trying so hard to minimize its influence and pretending to be calm. I thought i could tackle it all by myself, but it turned out i cant. Im not courageous enough to get back on my track. I need someone to be there looking out for me. But Im not that guy who will choose to ask for help or comfort unless I realize I have to. Because I always believe that a true friend will send their concern and consolation without you even asking for it. Besides, a friend of mine here once said, "what is friend, friend is who you can use if you need". According to those facts, I suddenly got knocked down by the cruel reality that I dont have a "friend" here. Im sobbing my heart out for my weakness and cowardice. Im weeping here for my loneliness and helplessness. Im crying out loud for my wretched and miserable life.

I miss you all, my dear friends, who are distant far far away from me...

when you live abroad, you will find out that in this small group of chinese, if you are encountered with some shitty things, everyone will spread gossip about you and you will become notorious or at least well-known thanks to that.

unluckily, shit happens to me last night. and according to that rule, I've become the person everyone talked about, "the stupid dumb ass using his 2nd hand 2000 honda hitting a brand new 2006 infinity". and i am so wondered how the rumor could be spread so fast? the most unbelievable thing is a close friend of mine laughed at me for showing off. (hope you read this)

few people were in the accident spot. and nobody knew how it happened and how i really felt when i realized i had been involved in the car collision, confronting the police officer alone and defensing myself without any language advantage and experience. honestly, even though i stayed calm but it was all pretending and i've never felt so frightened in my whole life.  i'm in big trouble now not just for money but also for this long-last "at fault" insurance record. i don't want to make it big to let so many people know what has happened. but now what's done is done, the rumor has already been spread all over the world. you can imagine how one will feel after hearing such humiliating gossip without yet coming out of his own shadow.

shit happens, but the rumor itself is more scary. i think mentally, i will easily get recovered from this accident. but the hurt from the rumor leaves me a scar which will stay there for a couple of years.

i probably need some time to fix the problem and wont be around here these days. so sorry about it all. i will be back eventually.

that's life everyone, you will never know what will happen next. so get prepared. live long and prosper.

还没来得及驻足停留
欣赏路边，哪怕是自家周围的秋景
连一张影像都没有记录
...冬雪已经飘飘落下